WASHINGTON – In a supposed move to assimilate teenage refugees from Afghanistan into American culture, the White House has forcefully employed them to do a specific task in Washington as a way to pay penance and work their way into society. The refugees, mostly teenage boys who had once been detained by U.S. forces in …
WASHINGTON, D.C. – There has been no shortage of mainstream media coverage about today’s Benghazi testimonies by state department officials who gathered before a Congressional committee and gave their accounts of what happened that fateful September 11th day last year, when Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and three other Americans were killed, but how a young …
Many savvy Internet sleuths thought the junior senator from Kentucky bore a basic resemblance to McDonald’s most famous mascot, Ronald McDonald, but after multiple allegations and a few prominent websites posting side-by-side comparison pictures, Rand Paul came clean. “It wasn’t the glory days back then,” he told reporters, “but I’ll say my gig as Ronald McDonald paid …
Jordan Nilsbud thought he stumbled upon a darn cool idea one morning when he was making his ritualistic cup of coffee. After weeks of tinkering, his idea was transformed into a physical product, thanks to Nilsbud’s advanced craftsmanship and his years of working as an engineer. Nilsbud’s next thought was also as seemingly innocent as …
As news of rapid shooting and explosions were reported very early Friday night, the Boston Marathon Bombing story turned crazier and more surreal every minute. With Boston on lockdown, 19-year old Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his 26-year old brother, Tamerlan, managed to tie up the police force of an entire city and cause multiple injuries to …
AFGHANISTAN – Little Aaseya Nadir, a charming ten-year old from Afghanistan with sparkling eyes and long, curly hair, says she’s got a special message for one of the United States’ most respected basketball players, Kobe Bryant. “I know what it’s like to only have one leg to use,” Aaseya says. “It’s tough, so I feel …
NEW YORK – Standing before the GigaOM’s Structure:Data conference in New York, the Central Intelligece Agency’s chief technology officer inadvertently made a startling revelation: the CIA has stockpiled the largest collection of pornography in the free world. Rubbing elbows with a predominately male audience, Gus Hunt felt enough at ease to share some juicy generalizations …
With the sequester in place, a dead economy, millions of Americans out of work and without hope, and a self-destructive government, you almost had to know it was coming sooner than later. A way to get back at the most hated group of people in America—535 members of Congress—without any repercussions, other than a little …
When Fox News offered a contributor’s position to Herman Cain on Fox News Channel and Fox Business Network, they offered it on one condition: that Cain “thoroughly and demonstrably” change his appearance in some way. “We didn’t want the same Herman Cain countenance that so many American voters found repugnant and disgusting throughout the GOP …
CLEVELAND, OH – A shocked community remembers a man who could go into such an impressively deep meditation that he couldn’t be roused for many minutes, and sometimes for more than an hour. Larry Nister, the man who was consumed in a late night house fire, has been called the best ‘meditator’ in town, and …
In an open letter to the world, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says he read the complaints about him, did the math, and was surprised to find that he actually is an asshole. “After listening to the conspiracy theories, and then crunching the numbers, I now understand that I really am one of the corrupt 1 …
KABUL, Afghanistan — Nobody knows what her name is, but the black and brown spots covering her off-white coat was enough to make Pvt. Javon Deheard take pity on the frightened young mutt. But where did she come from, and is it OK if Deheard takes her home to America with him? Pvt. Deheard hasn’t …
CRAWFORD, TX – One of former president George W. Bush’s longtime butlers is presumably out of a job tonight, and a top secret plan to be carried out by a prominent animal DNA testing laboratory has been thrust into the light. The details are hazy and so unusual you might swear they’ve come out of …
CREVE COEUR, MO — From the makers of Agent Orange, DDT, and Bt cotton, potatoes, and soybeans comes a new specialty product that will be sure to have people scrambling to get it. Unlike the other creations, the new product being created, tested, and perfected in Monsanto’s underground laboratories will elicit smiles from all people, …
WASHINGTON – White House spokesman Jay Carney leveled with members of the press corps about the recent fiasco that had Republican John Boehner storming out of the White House. Boehner had arrived early for a private ‘fiscal cliff’ discussion with President Obama, but instead caught a powerful whiff that he later described as, “a bit …
JERUSALEM – The international furor over expanding Israeli settlements in occupied Palestinian territory took a new turn with the proposed construction of an Olive Garden in the disputed zone. Ancillary to the 3,000 new homes being built in East Jerusalem, the restaurant will be positioned between the Zayem and Maaleh Adumim settlements. It will be a …
WASHINGTON — Top military officials have leaked information about the newest weapon to be developed behind the Pentagon’s tightly closed doors. It’s a bomb. Less than one hundred and thirty pounds, the bomb is considered by some military officials as petite, and even cute. Hubert Humdinger, famous exiled cultural philosopher, was the man who broke the story. …
WASHINGTON — Senator John McCain slammed his fist on the wooden podium to pronounce his point that NATO must begin air strikes immediately in Afghanistan to drive out the brutal, hostile American military regime. Only minutes before he’d painfully limped into the United States Senate Armed Services Committee. The goiter on the side of his …
BEVERLY HILLS – Why isn’t life fair? That’s the question many overweight Americans ask themselves each year as they chow down on scrumptious fatty foods and desserts, knowing the thousands of extra calorie-intake each day will not help avoid heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure—all effects of being overweight. Is it possible that there … Continue reading »
WATERTOWN, MA – While nobody watching the early morning pursuit of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects could deny the effort of the local police and SWAT teams, most Americans were baffled at the epic battle put up by the two Tsarnaev brothers. How did they manage to hold off police for nearly three hours? How … Continue reading »
HOLLYWOOD – After a firestorm of controversy in the summer of 2011 that resulted in a petition at Change.org and a trending Twitter hashtag, the Charles Manson star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is already in need of a replacement. A sizeable crack was reported to the Walk of Fame committee, and within hours … Continue reading »
BENTONVILLE, AR — Walmart executives have been thrust into the glaring limelight as one of their standard instruction manuals on how to handle store employees leaked online. The pamphlet breaks down Walmart workers into three categories: speaking tools, mute tools, and lifeless tools. The manual was written for Walmart’s executives in order that they understand the “complex dynamics and fluctuations … Continue reading »
The headlines sent a jolt around the world. ‘Pastor of mega church resigns’ and ‘Famous preacher rejects faith’. Televangelist Joel Osteen supposedly renounced his faith late last week, leaving his legions of fans bewildered and panicking. As it turns out, the website responsible for the announcement, which included a fabricated CNN article, had played an … Continue reading »
LOS ANGELES – A highly-evolved strain of tuberculosis has spread in downtown Los Angeles’ skid row district,and is threatening the surrounding areas. While it has public health officials and scientists scrambling to find ways to contain the outbreak, local hipsters and writers have used the news to talk about one of their favorite Romantic poets, … Continue reading »
PYONGYANG – In response to strengthened sanctions in light of North Korea’s latest rocket launch, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un released a statement making clear his country’s intentions to continue testing out its long-range rockets. It also will test another underground nuclear detonation, which is crucial to the process of designing a weapon suitable for fitting to … Continue reading »
